July 2, 2020
Finding Yourself When the Lights Go Out
When you lose a loved one, like I lost my son, Andrew, you also lose yourself. Now before everyone starts preaching to me... I know that a person is not truly "lost" if you know where he/she is. But trust me... if you can't see, feel, touch, or smell your child... he is lost to you.
If you are truly close to someone, and that person dies, you lose part of yourself along with their death. Your emotions take over, and it is a struggle to regain composure... it is a struggle to regain normalcy... it is a struggle to regain control of your life. Or at least it was for me. I'm not saying I didn't do it... I'm saying it was a struggle.
Andrew was my first born baby. He was the one that I longed for to fill my loneliness in a place where I really didn't know anyone except for Ray. Ray was stationed at Fort Campbell, KY, and there I was over 400 miles away from my family, my church family, and my friends. I had just graduated from high school, and I thought I truly had no one except Ray. But then...
After only 6 months of marriage, Ray and I decided we would expand our family. So, before long I was expecting Andrew. I had no idea he would be a boy. The Army didn't provide ultrasounds unless there was a medical need to have one. So, the day Andrew arrived, July 2, 1988, I was just as surprised as anyone. If our first born was to be a boy, Andrew Ray would be his name. If our first born was to be a girl, Savannah Nichelle was to be her name. (I never did get my Savannah...)
8lbs and 6ozs of pure love was born. I was so happy. And for 9 more years (and another baby brother, Gideon) I had my sweet boy. He was so bright. He was so loving. I had such dreams for this child. And to have all of that taken away in a moment... Yes, he was lost, and so was I.
He was lost from me... I was lost in that I had no idea how to move forward. But little-by-little, I began to find myself. Day-by-day, I also found him again. Yes, I found Andrew once again. How you might ask? It started with a sign.
Andrew's Butterfly
Before his funeral, Amanda (my baby sister) suggested that we share part of Andrew's life with those who would attend his funeral. Andrew and Gideon had been in an art class in Millry. A lady from Millry Baptist Church taught art. And Andrew had several paintings. So, I wanted to display those at the church.
I knew the week before Andrew had given Ray and me a painting for our Anniversary (March 20). I searched and searched and searched, and I never found it. I was very upset. On the Monday after his funeral, I got a package from a photographer who sent Ray and me pictures he had taken at Sandridge Church of families just a few weeks before Andrew's death.
In this package this wonderful man sent us information on the Compassionate Friends (a support group for grieving parents). In this package there was a poem named Chrysalis. The main line in the poem was this: Mourn Not the Cocoon, the Butterfly Has Flown.
As I was reading through the mail in the back bedroom, I moved another stack of papers, and all of the sudden Andrew's Butterfly fell out. I was dumbfounded. I knew at that moment that God Himself had sent me a sign. A sign of comfort that Andrew was safely with Him. I found Andrew... in the heavens... safe with Jesus. I started finding myself.
So many times in the coming weeks and months, God continued to send me sign-after-sign. It seemed like everywhere I looked there were butterflies. With each fluttering of their wings, I could feel my spirit coming back to me... whisper-by-whisper. I would live again. I would laugh again. I would find myself again.
Even though I had "lost" Andrew's painting... even though I had "lost" Andrew in our accident... even though I had "lost" myself in my extreme grief... I knew I didn't want to remain in this state. I would find him... I would find myself... I would, as Job of old, recover. And it would be greater in the end than it was in the beginning.
If you find yourself "lost" today...
Lost because of your grief...
Lost because of your pain...
Lost from the happiness you once had...
I encourage you, though nothing will ever be the same; you can "FIND" happiness again. You can "find" your loved ones and peace in knowing they are "SAFE." And when the lights are out, not only in your home, but in your very soul, do not give up hope. Do not allow the darkness to overtake you. Reach out in the dark... Breathe in the dark... Take hold of HOPE in the dark...
When the lights are out, find who you are...
When the lights are out, find what you lost...
When the lights are out, find the desire to live again!
To Be Continued!
